As a therapist who works with infidelity repair in Texas, Louisiana, Illinois, Tennessee, Oklahoma, and Colorado, I see a lot of people who have cheated or been cheated on. A huge question I get via email is, “Should I Tell My Partner I Cheated?”
I will go ahead and spoil the ending of this blog post by saying probably yes, but…
I want you to take a second to answer some questions first. I think HOW you do this is just as important as IF you do it.
Here are some things to explore before you disclose an affair:
What is your motivation behind disclosing or not disclosing? Are you disclosing because you want accountability for your behavior or because you feel guilt and need relief? This is an important distinction and will drive your behavior moving forward. If you are disclosing to absolve your own guilt this may become problematic because the process of disclosure will likely create a storm of emotions that you must be ready to process and validate.
Explore your partner's right to informed decision making. Is your partner making decisions about their sexual health, financial future, and life based on incorrect data about your relationship? If this is the case then hiding your affair becomes unethical. Every person has the right to make informed decisions about their future and health.
Are you making the decision to not disclose because it is better for your partner or are you wanting to avoid consequences? This is the converse of question one. While I do not want your decision to disclose to be about the avoidance of guilt I also do not want your decision to not disclose to be about avoiding reprecussions. Why? Well, as a therapist I am pretty anti avoidance- on all sides. I want to see all of my clients grown and true growth can not be born out of a desire to avoid.
Fully explore the consequences of each decision, including the positive outcomes. When we think of affair recovery we only think of the negative consequences. It might end the relationship, there will be turmoil, how will I survive financially, I may also have to end the affair that has come to mean something to me in my life. We don’t often think of the positive outcomes. Many of the couples I have worked with on affair recovery have gone on to have the best relationships of their lives- either with one another or with other people. They are able to have better communication, better conflict resolution skills, deeper intimacy, and increased authenticity. Weight the consequences-positive and negative.
Explore your values. What matters to you in relationships? What do you want to say you did in this situation 10 years from now? Values will become your building compass through this process. If honesty matters to you- I promise you will never feel okay engaging in an affair. Values will become the backdrop of any conversation I have with clients once an affair has occurred.
What would disclosure require? Counseling, babysitting if you have children, time off work, etc. You need to get clear on what disclosure would require from you and ask yourself if you have what is needed to have this conversation. Your children should not be vicariously traumatized by overhearing these conversations. You will most likely need at least 16 sessions of counseling- I encourage you to find 3 options for therapists and interview them and ask about fees and timeline. Budget for this. It is an investment in yourself, your healing, and your relationship.
What would nondisclosure require? Keeping secrecy, diminished intimacy, etc. Disclosing the affair isn’t the only choice that comes with a cost. Keeping it a secret does too. I have a sneaking suspicion that in relationships where an affair is hidden a true authentic relationship can never bloom. You will always wonder “what if they knew….” and your partner will always feel like something is kind of off.
Explore the nature and extent of the affair. This will be good for you to more deeply understand yourself, but also your partner will likely have a lot of questions. It will be good for you to understand this fully before disclosing. I encourage clients to do a deep dive into their past and several of my workbooks help with this process. It is important that you can come to your partner with all of the information they will need to move forward and heal.
Are you safe to disclose? Has there been a history of physical or emotional abuse in your past? If so, it may be best to disclose with a safe third party. Safety concerns should be a priority above all else. If during the disclosure process your partner becomes physically or verbally abusive please stop all conversations and seek help immediately.
In the End
In the end, I can never tell you what is right for your relationship, but I will say that it is near impossible to build an ongoing relationship on a foundation that is built on lies and secrecy. It is also difficult to change behavior you do not fully address and take accountability for.
The people I see who go on to have deep, rich, and meaningful relationships have disclosed any indiscretion and rebuilt a better relationship with stable walls of trust and commitment surrounding them.
If you need help deciding whether to disclose or not, I encourage you to purchase my guide to decide what to do next. It is discreet and does not mention cheating or affairs overtly. You will be emailed a product that does link back to my site, however.