The Top Reasons People Cheat
As a therapist that specializes in affair recovery and works with clients remotely throughout Texas, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Illinois, Tennessee, and Colorado, you would be surprised how often I hear this.
“I love my partner so much, why did I choose to hurt them in this way?”
“I am happily married…why did I ruin everything by cheating?”
“I have never even thought about cheating, and then one thing led to another…”
Let me start by saying that the reasons for cheating are multifaceted. Just when I think that I have figured out all the reasons a person cheats, I meet a new client, hear a new story, and learn a whole new reason. And hear me loud and clear: reasons aren’t excuses. Cheating is never justified or okay. AND it happens A LOT. Name five couples you know, and at least one of them has experienced an affair, statistically. One thing I know for sure is that not getting to the bottom of why you cheated usually leads to repeating the behavior. We repeat what we don’t repair.
So without further ado, here are the top reasons that I have seen contribute to affairs:
1. Being in an Emotionally/Physically Disconnected Relationship AND NOT KNOWING HOW TO ADDRESS AND TALK ABOUT IT
Let’s just say it from the onset: your partner’s worst fear is that they did something that made you cheat. Being emotionally disconnected is not on them. That is on you to recognize and name. Being physically disconnected also does not justify cheating.
These are both problems and issues that are actually really fun to work through. One of my favorite emails to receive as a therapist is “help me and my partner become more physically and emotionally connected.” I have about 100 interventions to make this happen. Date nights, card games, etc. This work is all of the fun, with none of the trauma.
When someone has an affair because of these unmet needs, it is devastation and destruction. We have to get through all of that to get to the other side. It is not to say that it’s hopeless, but just a lot more difficult to get there.
If you know this is why you chose to have an affair, buckle up. It is going to be a long ride, but if you want to put in the work and heal the rupture, what you might be left with is the most physically and emotionally satisfying relationship of your life. Even if your relationship ends, doing this work will set you up to never stay quiet about dissatisfaction again.
2. A Need for Validation from Others or Low Self-Esteem
I tell my kids all the time (prepare ye, I am about to cuss): “When we can’t find authentic acceptance, we often settle for bullshit acceptance.”
There is no more of a bullshit relationship than an affair. That is half the appeal. It is easy for someone who sees you 1 hour a week max to think you hung the moon.
I won’t heal this need in you in one blog paragraph, but I will say people often stray for the intoxicating allure of the person that only has great things to say about them. This often reveals two things: a relationship that has fallen into something we call negative sentiment override (more about this later) and an internal lack of ability to self-validate and see one’s own worth.
3. Novelty, Excitement, and Variety
If you cheated, I would like you to stop reading this right now and go immediately do an online assessment for ADHD, OCD, or Autism.
WHAT?! That’s wild, isn’t it?
I will say this is the most common denominator I see in cheaters. That is not to say if you have these neurodiversities you WILL cheat. It just means that the way affairs give dopamine really appeals to this subset of people.
Particularly those with ADHD, most people with ADHD get a flood of dopamine whenever they experience something new, novel, or have panic associated with an action. So you can see the allure of the affair.
OCD can often lead people to engage in obsessive thoughts and compulsive behavior. I am not sure what the Autism connection is, but I have seen it in my practice. My theory is it may be an issue with meta-emotions (feelings about our feelings) that leads people to struggle to talk to their partners about tough subjects.
Now, don’t get mad at me and say that I am saying only neurodiverse people have affairs. What I am saying is if your neurodiversity did have something to do with your choice to cheat, it is crucial that you explore this.
4. Avoidance of Conflict or Difficult Emotions
I already touched on this in my last reason and somewhat in the first. However, struggling with conflict and allowing yourself or your partner to experience difficult emotions keeps you from addressing issues in your relationship, prevents you both from growing closer, and makes you primed to want to look to something else to escape the discomfort.
The problem is that, in the long run, the affair only creates MORE discomfort.
5. Unprocessed Resentment, Grief, or Retaliation
Sometimes people cheat when they lose a close loved one or have unprocessed grief from their past. The affair becomes a distraction from feeling sad or overwhelmed by grief.
Anger and resentment can also lead to affairs. When resentment builds due to unmet needs or unspoken conflict (or sometimes spoken, b
Questions that help identify the function of cheating
For someone working through infidelity in therapy, I would explore:
What did the affair provide? What did they experience with the other person that felt rewarding or relieving?
What feelings or situations did it help them avoid? Loneliness, rejection, inadequacy, conflict, aging, or fear of being alone?
What story did they tell themselves? How did they make the behavior seem acceptable, necessary, or inconsequential?
What boundaries did they cross along the way? When did they notice an opportunity to make a different choice?
What did they value at the time, and what values were they willing to set aside?
What would it look like to tolerate the discomfort of acting in alignment with those values now?
If you want to dig even deeper I encourage you to purchase one of my self guided workbooks today or contact me and see if we would be a good fit for ongoing therapy.