When You’re the Betrayer: Grief, Guilt, and the Path to Growth
When we talk about infidelity, the spotlight almost always falls on the person who was betrayed and understandably so the pain, confusion, and emotional devastation that follow a partner’s affair can be life-altering. But as a sex therapist trained in infidelity and betrayal trauma, I also support those on the other side of the story, the ones who cheated.
If you’re reading this because you’re the one who had the affair, I want to say something upfront: You are not alone. And no matter what led you here, your story still matters.
In my virtual therapy work with clients across Tennessee, Colorado, Louisiana, Oklahoma, and Texas, I’ve sat with many people who feel buried under guilt and shame, unsure if they deserve healing or growth. The truth is: you do. And this path begins not with excuses, but with compassion, clarity, and a willingness to go deeper.
You Didn’t Plan This, But It Still Happened
One of the most common things I hear from clients is: “I never thought I’d be someone who cheated.”
Affairs don’t always come from malice. Sometimes they come from loneliness, resentment, emotional neglect, or a loss of connection in your primary relationship. Sometimes, the affair is an escape. Other times, it reflects unmet emotional or sexual needs that went unspoken for years.
None of this makes it okay, but it does make it understandable. And understanding is the first step toward healing after being unfaithful.
If you’ve found yourself googling phrases like “why did I cheat on someone I love” or “Help! I cheated on my partner,” you’re likely already in the thick of this internal reckoning. You're searching not just for answers, but for hope.
The Weight of Shame After Infidelity
Being the betrayer comes with a particular kind of shame. You may feel like you're not allowed to grieve or hurt because you caused the damage. You may be telling yourself things like:
I’m a terrible person.
I always ruin things.
I don’t deserve forgiveness.
But here's the thing: Shame doesn’t lead to growth…accountability does.
In therapy, we work to hold two truths at once: I caused pain and I am still a person capable of healing and change.
Grieving More Than Just the Relationship
If the affair is out in the open, you may be grieving multiple things:
The potential end of your relationship.
The emotional connection (however complicated) with the person you had the affair with.
The loss of the identity you held before this happened.
Many people ask, “Am I even allowed to grieve?”
Yes. Grief doesn’t excuse the betrayal but it will make room for healing.
How to Forgive Yourself After an Affair
Forgiving yourself after infidelity can feel impossible. Many people believe they need to “fix” everything or win back their partner before they can even begin to think about self-forgiveness. But that belief keeps you stuck.
Self-forgiveness starts with truth-telling:
What needs were unmet in your life or relationship?
What parts of yourself did you ignore or abandon before you betrayed someone else?
Are you ready to be accountable without collapsing into self-hatred?
Working with a therapist trained in infidelity and betrayal trauma can help you explore these questions safely. I help clients understand their behavior not as a way to excuse it, but so they can rebuild self-trust after infidelity and create healthier, more honest relationships moving forward.
Can I Heal and Change After Cheating?
Yes. Absolutely.
Healing after cheating isn’t about becoming someone your partner will take back. It’s about becoming someone you can respect again.
That healing includes:
Naming your choices and their impact
Understanding the roots of your behavior
Learning new ways to communicate and connect
Making peace with the parts of you that feel unlovable
Therapy for cheating spouses or anyone who has had an affair is not about punishment. It’s about creating space for transformation.
Final Thoughts: You Are Not Your Worst Moment
If you’re carrying the heavy weight of being the one who cheated, know this:
You can take responsibility and have compassion for yourself.
You can grieve what you lost and grow from it.
You can repair, not just your relationships, but your own inner world.
I offer compassionate, nonjudgmental therapy for people healing from affairs. Whether you want to understand your choices, rebuild self-worth, or navigate what’s next, I would be honored to sit with you in this.
You are not beyond repair.
You are not only the betrayer.
And you don’t have to do this alone.