Is My Partner Asexual?
When a partner loses interest in sex or never seemed that interested to begin with it can leave the other partner feeling confused, rejected, or even unloved. It’s natural to wonder, “Is something wrong? Is it me? Could my partner be asexual?” These are vulnerable questions, and it’s okay to ask them.
As a licensed mental health professional and sex therapist who works virtually with couples across Texas, Tennessee, Oklahoma, Louisiana, and Colorado, I help people navigate complex relational and sexual dynamics with honesty, empathy, and clarity. If you're wondering whether your partner might be asexual and how to move forward, you're not alone and you're not without options.
First, What Is Asexuality?
Asexuality is a sexual orientation just like being gay, straight, or bisexual. Asexual people experience little to no sexual attraction toward others. This doesn’t mean they can’t or don’t want romantic relationships, intimacy, or closeness. It simply means that sex isn’t a driving force in how they connect with others.
Asexuality exists on a spectrum. Some people:
Never experience sexual attraction at all.
Rarely experience it, and only in very specific contexts (called gray-asexual or demisexual).
May be open to sexual activity for reasons like connection, curiosity, or compromise even if they don’t desire it themselves.
Importantly, asexuality is not a dysfunction, hormone imbalance, or trauma response though a person could also be asexual and have past trauma or stress that impacts their sexuality.
Signs Your Partner Might Be Asexual
No two people are the same, and labels should never be used to box someone in. That said, here are some common experiences that might point to asexuality:
They don’t initiate or seem interested in sex, even when the relationship is otherwise loving and stable.
They say they love you, are attracted to you emotionally, but don’t feel the urge to have sex.
They’ve told you they’ve never really experienced sexual attraction to anyone.
Sex feels like an obligation, not something they seek or enjoy.
They seem indifferent to typical signs of physical arousal or sexual cues.
They’ve hinted at or openly shared that they might be asexual.
Sometimes, your partner might not have the language to describe what they’re feeling. They may not even know themselves yet. If you suspect asexuality, it’s worth approaching the topic gently and with curiosity, not with blame or urgency.
What If My Partner Is Asexual?
If your partner identifies as asexual (or begins exploring that possibility), your next steps depend on your values, needs, and the kind of relationship you both want.
Here are a few possibilities and tools for navigating them:
1. Start with open, shame-free communication
Talk about your experiences without judgment. You might say:
“I love being close to you, and I want to understand what intimacy looks like for you.”
“Can you tell me what your experience with desire has been like?”
“What makes you feel most emotionally connected to me?”
Asexuality doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed, it just means you may need to reimagine how intimacy looks.
2. Understand each other’s needs
Your partner may not want sex, while you may feel a strong need for it as part of your connection. Neither of you is wrong but you both deserve to be heard. Some couples find ways to meet in the middle; others realize they want to restructure their relationship (e.g., opening it or redefining intimacy).
A trained sex therapist can help couples navigate this gently and respectfully.
3. Separate love from sex (but don’t dismiss your own needs)
One common misconception is that a lack of sexual desire equals a lack of love. That’s often not true. Many asexual people love deeply, crave companionship, and are capable of long-term commitment.
At the same time, if your sexual needs are going unmet and it’s causing distress, you have every right to talk about that and seek resolution without guilt or shame.
4. Explore intimacy beyond sex
Cuddling, kissing, holding hands, deep conversation, shared rituals these can all foster closeness and keep your connection alive, even when sex isn’t part of the equation. You might be surprised how fulfilling a redefined intimacy can feel for both partners.
When to Consider Therapy
If you and your partner are having recurring arguments, feelings of rejection, or confusion around desire and intimacy, therapy can be a safe place to explore what’s going on especially with someone trained in both relational dynamics and sexual health.
Final Thoughts
Learning that your partner may be asexual can bring up grief, relief, curiosity, or even new closeness. It doesn’t mean your relationship has to end and it doesn’t mean your needs don’t matter. It means it’s time for honest, respectful exploration.
Your relationship is allowed to evolve and you’re allowed to want clarity and connection along the way.
If you’d like a nonjudgmental place to process, I’m here to help.