So Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Have Sex?
Desire discrepancy is one of the most common issues couples bring to sex therapy. It happens when one partner wants sex more often—or in different ways—than the other. While this is incredibly common, it can also be deeply painful. It often touches core wounds around worth, desirability, and rejection. As a sex therapist, I want to normalize this experience, reduce the shame around it, and offer some ways couples can move through it with compassion and connection.
What Is Desire Discrepancy?
Desire discrepancy refers to a mismatch in the frequency, type, or intensity of sexual desire between partners. This could mean one person wants sex daily, while the other is comfortable with once a month. Or it could mean one partner craves spontaneous, adventurous encounters while the other prefers routine and predictability. These differences can be frustrating—and they can trigger larger questions about compatibility, love, and intimacy.
It’s important to note that there is no “normal” level of sexual desire. Every individual has their own relationship with sex, shaped by biology, psychology, culture, trauma history, stress, body image, relationship quality, and so much more. When desire levels differ, it’s not a sign that something is wrong with either partner. It’s a signal that there’s an opportunity to get curious, communicate, and re-align.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
One of the most painful aspects of desire discrepancy is the meaning partners assign to it. The higher-desire partner might feel rejected or unattractive, wondering, “Why don’t they want me?” or “What’s wrong with me?” Meanwhile, the lower-desire partner might feel pressured or guilty, asking themselves, “Why can’t I be more sexual?” or “Am I broken?”
These internalized narratives can erode self-esteem and intimacy if left unspoken. They can also create a negative feedback loop: resentment builds, communication breaks down, and sex becomes a source of stress rather than connection. Part of my role as a therapist is helping partners challenge these narratives with compassion and honesty.
Understanding Desire: Spontaneous vs. Responsive
Not all desire shows up the same way. Some people experience spontaneous desire—a sudden craving for sex, often without a clear trigger. Others experience responsive desire, which emerges in response to touch, closeness, or emotional connection.
Many people with responsive desire may not feel “in the mood” until sex has already begun. If a couple assumes that desire should always be spontaneous, the partner with responsive desire may seem uninterested or unavailable, when in fact, their arousal system just works differently. Understanding this distinction can be a game changer in how couples approach sex.
Strategies for Navigating Desire Discrepancy
So what can couples do when desire levels don’t match up?
1. Get Curious, Not Critical
Instead of jumping to blame—either yourself or your partner—get curious. What’s going on beneath the surface? Are there stressors, health issues, unspoken resentments, or unresolved traumas influencing desire? Try to approach the conversation with compassion and openness, rather than assumption or criticism.
2. Communicate Your Needs and Boundaries
Many couples avoid talking about sex, assuming it should be natural and effortless. But the truth is, good sex requires communication—especially when there’s a discrepancy. Practice expressing what you need emotionally and physically, while also honoring your partner’s boundaries. This is not about convincing your partner to have sex; it’s about fostering mutual understanding.
3. Expand Your Definition of Intimacy
Sometimes, the pressure to have penetrative sex can become a barrier to any kind of closeness. When that pressure is removed, couples often find new ways to connect—through sensual touch, massage, cuddling, kissing, or simply being emotionally vulnerable together. These forms of intimacy can reduce tension and rekindle desire in unexpected ways.
4. Consider Scheduling Sex
Though it might sound unromantic, planning for intimacy can actually help. In busy lives filled with work, caregiving, and exhaustion, spontaneous desire may not show up easily. Scheduling sex (or intimate time) can create space for connection without pressure, allowing both partners to prepare mentally and emotionally.
5. Work With a Sex Therapist
Sometimes, couples need a neutral space to explore these issues without blame. A sex therapist can help facilitate difficult conversations, offer education, and support each partner in identifying what desire means to them. Therapy can also address deeper issues that might be impacting libido, like body image, trauma, or relational dynamics. As a sex therapist that works with couples around this issue throughout Texas, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Louisiana, and Colorado I love to help people work through this struggle. If you are looking for a sex therapist in your area I encourage you to start here.
Final Thoughts
Desire discrepancy doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed—or that either of you is broken. It means you’re human. Mismatched desire is an invitation to build deeper intimacy, not just sexually, but emotionally. When partners learn to speak openly, listen generously, and stay rooted in compassion, they often find that sex becomes more than just a physical act—it becomes a space of mutual care and discovery.
If you and your partner are navigating this challenge, you're not alone. Healing is possible—and it starts with honest, nonjudgmental conversation.