It’s Not Just in Your Head: Understanding Sexual Pain and Why “Just Relaxing” Won’t Fix It
If you’re struggling with sexual pain, first-take a deep breath and hear me say this loud and clear. You are not broken. You are not overreacting. And no, it’s not just in your head.
As a therapist licensed to provide online therapy in Texas, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Colorado, Tennessee, and Illinois, I work with people every day who feel confused, frustrated, and ashamed about the pain they experience during sex. Maybe your doctor told you everything looks “normal.” Maybe you’ve heard advice like “Just relax,” “Have a glass of wine,”or “It’s probably anxiety.” But if that advice worked, you wouldn’t still be in pain, would you?
Let’s be clear: sexual pain is real, and you deserve compassionate, informed care that addresses the whole picture; your body, your emotions, and your nervous system.
What Is Sexual Pain?
Sexual pain can show up in many forms. You might feel:
Burning, stinging, or raw sensations during penetration
Tightness or pressure that makes intimacy impossible
Lingering soreness after sexual activity
Pain that seems to come “out of nowhere,” even when you want and try to enjoy sex
For some, this pain has been there since the beginning (primary pain). For others, it starts after a life event; childbirth, surgery, trauma, hormonal changes, or a difficult relationship (secondary pain).
Conditions like vaginismus, vulvodynia, vestibulodynia, pelvic floor dysfunction, or dyspareunia are often involved but sometimes, even getting a diagnosis feels impossible because sexual pain is still so misunderstood.
Why “Just Relax” Doesn’t Work
Telling someone to “just relax” when they’re in pain is like telling someone with a sprained ankle to “just walk normally.” Pain is the body’s signal that something deeper is going on.
When your body has learned to associate sex with discomfort or danger whether because of trauma, medical pain, anxiety, or chronic tension your nervous system automatically tries to protect you. The muscles of the pelvic floor can tighten reflexively, blood flow can change, and your brain can enter “protect mode.”
This isn’t something you’re choosing. It’s a learned survival response.
What your body needs isn’t more pressure to relax it needs safety, connection, and support to learn that it’s okay to release that protection.
It’s Not Your Fault
You didn’t cause your sexual pain. You didn’t “fail” at being intimate, feminine, masculine, or desirable. And you’re not “too sensitive.”
Sexual pain is often the result of a complex interaction between physical, emotional, and neurological factors. Hormones, pelvic floor tension, past trauma, chronic stress, and even how our society talks (or doesn’t talk) about sex can all play a role.
But none of that means you’re broken.
Healing starts when you stop blaming yourself and start treating your body with the same compassion you’d offer a friend.
The Role of Therapy and Mind-Body Healing
A therapist who specializes in sexual pain or somatic (body-based) therapy can help you reconnect with your body in a safe, supportive way.
In therapy, you might learn to:
Understand how pain, fear, and muscle tension are linked
Build communication and trust with your partner
Learn grounding and relaxation techniques that actually work for your body
Rebuild a sense of safety, pleasure, and control
For many of my clients across Texas, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Colorado, Tennessee, and Illinois, telehealth offers a private and accessible way to start this process without leaving home. Together, we focus on understanding your unique story because no two bodies, and no two experiences of pain, are the same.
You Deserve Help That Actually Helps
Sexual pain can make you feel isolated, ashamed, or hopeless but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Real healing is possible. It often takes a team approach: therapy, pelvic floor physical therapy, medical evaluation, and, most importantly, self-compassion.
If you’ve been told your pain is “psychological,” know this: your pain is real, even if it has emotional or neurological components. Pain lives in the body and the brain, but that doesn’t make it imaginary. It makes it treatable.
You deserve to feel safe in your body. You deserve intimacy that feels good, not painful. And you deserve care from professionals who take your pain seriously.
Ready to Begin Healing?
If you’re located in Texas, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Colorado, Tennessee, or Illinois and are ready to take the next step toward healing, I offer online therapy for individuals and couples navigating sexual pain, intimacy issues, and the emotional impact of chronic discomfort.
You don’t have to figure this out alone. Healing is possible and it starts with being heard, believed, and supported.
Reach out today to schedule a consultation and begin your journey toward comfort, confidence, and connection.
Because your pain is real, your body is wise, and you are absolutely not broken.